Start Your Engines

Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch and one on the track

2007-08-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

This week I've really missed Missouri.

I hate the traffic here. Last night stop lights were out at two major intersections. I'm not talking flashing- I mean OUT. Its already a clusterfuck and everyone wants to get home. I really I get this job where I can work at home. Even a job downtown so I can ride the train. I just don't want to drive anymore.

I miss the familiarity. I didn't realize how comforting it is know where shit is and know the people once you get there. It was nice to call someone and say, "Meet me at Eastside in 10 minutes for a drink."

...and I miss my people.

On the flipside, living here is cool. There's so much to do and learn and see. Maybe I'm too apathetic and I want it all right away without paying the dues. I just don't like this loner lifestyle. I'm not a loner at heart.

I am excited for this evening. Melanie is having a dinner party at her house in Wrigleyville, so I shall venture south. It'll be nice to see some friendly faces and meet new people.

Also, I got a new phone yesterday. Its pink and pretty and I maybe fondling it too much. The most important thing- It WORKS! So call me now and we shall talk for hours.

I've decided. Neil Young makes me really happy. I think I am a fifty-year-old trapped in this body.

Half a mile from the county fair and the rain keep pouring down

2007-08-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

Me and billy standin there
With a silver half a crown
Hands are full of a fishin rod
And the tackle on our backs
We just stood there gettin wet
With our backs against the fence

I've been posting on myspace, but I realize the entire fam is not on myspace. Therefore, duplicate postings shall appear here. If you are on myspace, don't waste your time.

Here's the scoop- If you called me in the last week or so and I have yet to call you back, please be patient. I am having phone issues and need a new one. It should be taken care of this week sometime. Then we'll talk til the cows come home.

In the past week: huge storms went through, but missed our house and cars. Other cars had huge tree limbs on top of them and the trees in Lincoln Park (a couple miles south) were broken off at the ground. Along with the torrentual downpour came flooding and nasty, swampy gutters. However, we are fine and our shit is fine.

We opened the pasture gate and let the matching bikes ramble along the lakefront bike trail. It was beautiful and cool along the beach. Like I said, we only had to dodge some fallen trees.

Friday, Will scouted an Irish pub with live music and no cover on the fringes of downtown. There was authentic Irish music mixed in with old rock and roll. The cool thing is, we got drunk and rode the train home. The not-so-cool thing: there is construction on our line and we had a wait longer than usual. Bah humbug. Its really only a problem when your bladder is an eigth of a normal persons. And you drank a lot of Guinness.

Yesterday, I ran into someone from college who knows Shannon. She now lives in the city, not far from us. Apparently, I am a magnet for this sort of thing.

Will got a job. Yay! I am waiting to hear back from the interview I had last week. I would be working from home, which means no COMMUTE!

Mom called me today to say Rachel is settling in at college. Apparently, a scheduled freshmen outting consisted of climbing Mt. Washington in New Hampshire. Mizzou, you robbed me.

Hope everyone is well. i have to scoot off to work. I'll be in touch soon, promise.

You better leave my kitten all alone

2007-03-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

Its been a minute.

The trip home was fun, but not relaxing. It was a mess of "lets go here, we have to eat there, you must me this person." My traveling buddy was patient and enjoyed himself, or so he says. I had my birthday horseshoe and Guinness.

I hurt my leg at roller derby about two weeks ago. Finally, the swelling subsided and its beginning to feel like normal again. Last night I skated with no negative side affects.

Spring is presenting itself as my sanity saver. The sun is out, the temp is up and the social calendar is filling. It appears April and May are full of visits, weddings and other things to look forward to. Hooray for spring!

Today: two phone interviews. Its time, folks. I think I need to blow this Popsicle stand.

I have seen a hundred white doves flying

2007-03-08T16:20:00.000-06:00

Forgiving is difficult.

On occasion, I've run very far, been a little hungry and gotten some narly tangles in my hair. Life is full of mountains to climb, but the steepest thus far is forgiving.

Its more complicated when blame and unhappiness are coupled with it. I think those are the foothills. I'm trying to make my own happiness, so no one else is responsible. Before, I relied on one person; now, I'm learning to rely on myself. Blame is harder, but in the future, there will be no one to blame.

This is the hardest task of my adult life so far. We'll see how I do. I think if I tackle it, I could be one hell of a person.

In other news, I fell at practice last night. Strike that. Two people clobbered me at practice and I am hurting. Padded shorts are necessary. We are improving quickly, and it makes me happy and fulfilled.

I got brand new roller skates/ you've got a brand new key

2007-02-13T17:13:00.000-06:00

Add another tally to the "oops, probably should've gotten stitches" list. A glass bit me while I was attempting to wash him...after I dug my car out from the storm last night to go to work and make $4 in tips. That's right. $4.

The one thing I'm looking forward to is getting my new skates tomorrow. Delish.

Add some Fugitive wheels and I'll be burning past you!

You broke my will/ what a thrill

2007-01-23T18:50:00.000-06:00

I played in the snow Saturday night with Elliott and Sam and Adam. There is something very theraputic about getting white-washed. No really. I left a little drunk, very tired, wet and cold (but I didn't care). Sometimes you gotta wash off and start new.

Roller derby meeting and them maybe some Eastside guitar hero.

Peace.

Once I was strong but I lost the fight/ you won't find a better loser.

2007-01-17T16:14:00.000-06:00

This weather...Jesus. I almost busted my ass carrying my laundry out of my apartment. Thankfully, I have jungle cat reflexes (and achy muscles from catching myself mid-stumble). I really do appreciate my four wheel drive, but I lamented as a snow-covered camaro passed me today. It was a totally sissy, girl car, but I loved it. Next, similar car- much bigger engine.

Last night, Damage threw a party to celebrate Sara's annulment. She made a great dinner, complete with champagne and Better than Sex cake. We decided the cake was excellent, but the title was relative. At different times in one's life it might apply. I brought a little Jack in my flask.

Afterward, we went to Pepper's. I had never been and it has a certain ambiguous reputation. Some people think its a gay bar. Some think its a rundown night club, etc. When we arrived there were three other people in the place. They showed us how to run the karaoke machine and we went to town. Sara made me sing Faith Hill. Adriene thrashed to Green Day. Damage sang (appropriately) Goodbye Earl. It was amazing. We giggled drunkenly. I think we all needed to blow off some steam. I spun the truck all across the icy parking lot to make the girls laugh. I woke with a headache. It was a good night.

To change the subject...have you ever want to burn everything you own because it all has some sentimental value? Sometimes it just seems it would be easier to trash it all and start over. I hate that I wore my ugly sweater today and even it reminds me of shit. How do you shuck what used to bring happiness and now brings frustration or disappointment?

When you end a relationship, one thing that goes through your head is, " I'll never have to hear___ again." The terrible part is even though the person is gone, my memory is too good. It lurks, makes me question myself, makes me less receptive to good things. Yes, there were good things, too, but they seem shadowed compared to the bad. Its a weighing of the evils.

For a long time, he had me convinced. I'm trying to climb out of that dark cell into the sunlight. I just want to believe I deserve to be happy. My head says yes, but my heart isn't sure. Its bruised and I need it to believe before any real healing can happen.

It sounds trite, but helping start this roller derby thing has been really good. It is giving me an outlet. I get some exercise, meet new people and my brain is turned on again. I'm organizing, brainstorming and being a driving force in a new organization that excites many people. I'm getting a peek at my old self again. The lazy haze is peeling back. I'm starting to remember what I used to be like seven, eight years ago. I was optimistic. I didn't think it would happen again. Maybe I was wrong.

Birthday news...if all goes well, I think Will and I will be home for my birthday (March 16-18). This means St. Pat's parade in Springfield, etc. Let me know if you want to get together.

This hit home...

2007-01-13T01:50:00.000-06:00

Well she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy…you can't fence that in

Stupid boy…it's like holdin' back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that's what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it, push it around

I guess to build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

You always had to be right

And now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

Oh I'm the same old, same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run

But when she did, she was long gone, long gone

Its interesting...I find myself trying to explain why I react the way I do. I was always waiting for the bottom to fall out, the explosion to happen. I'm slowly learning that everyone is not as volatile, and its not necessary to explain my every neurosis. It has simply compounded into who I am, and sometimes a little mystery as to the "why" is half the charm.

In other news, roller derby is progressing swimmingly. Twenty-four girls involved already. In the next couple months a fundraiser will be announced. I'll keep you all posted. Check it out on myspace. The link is on my friends list. My handle has also been changed to my roller derby name as it stands.

Its sleeting in Mid-Mo. What happened to spring in January?

Time is on my side.

2007-01-04T17:11:00.000-06:00

Last night I went skating- roller, that is. It appears I am one of the first members of Columbia's women's roller derby team. What's better than getting some exercise and knocking other chicks down while wearing a skirt? Sara's into it and so is our other friend, Lindsey. It should be a good time. Gonna start skating two or three times a week. Dad needs to ship me my skates :)

This morning I got up at 7:30, went home, ran for an hour, went to work and now I'm officially sore. Good sore. Kicked my ass sore.

Tonight is up in the air. Maybe making dinner. I really want cornbread. Don't ask me why.

Thanks, mom.

2007-01-03T15:04:00.000-06:00

I don't care if I got no money, I don't care if I got a dime.
All I want to do is to dance with you honey,
please tell me that you have the time.

Cause I gotta get back on my feet again, gotta get back on the street again.

I don't care if I got no fame, all I want to do is to hold your hand.
Don't care if nobody knows my name cause I just want to try the best I can.

Gotta get back on my feet again, gotta get back on the street again.

Well, I don't know just what the world is coming to.
And I don't know just what is going on, and momma do you?

Well, all I really know is I gotta get back on my feet again.

Break my rusty cage and run.

2007-01-01T21:56:00.000-06:00

Christmas was great. I got to see the family and received fun gifts. I always need a new sparkly purse and new jewelry. I've also entered the land of the living with a hand-me-down tv. Thanks, Dad. My favorite gift was the down comforter mom gave me.

New Years was uneventful. I made Italian beef, drank a bottle of strawberry champagne and we stayed in. All-in-all, it was a relaxing night.

I think this year's gonna be a good one, tater. Afterall, you can only go up after you've been down.

I'm done with the low class bullshit and the spitefulness. I should be bigger than that and its dragging me down- taking energy from the things that really deserve my time. I just want to be rid of it. We make mistakes and life goes on. Can't we at least agree on that?

In the end

2006-12-18T23:12:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning all warm and cuddled and remembered on this day last year I got engaged.

The shit storm that was last year is finally over. I wake up happy to be breathing and surrounded by people who make me happy. Everytime I get sentimental, I get wind of something that makes me happy its all over. Thank fucking GOD. Who needs that shit *raises hand*. Its me.

Also, I thought personal things were just that- personal. Loose lips sink ships and whatnot. I guess I was wrong. It just means that I don't have to be so tight-lipped any longer.

...and we all lose our charms in the end

2006-12-10T17:43:00.000-06:00

Life is finally feeling less...disorganized. I'm starting to have a routine and it pleases me. Thursday-ish, Sara and I make dinner. Friday/Saturday, go out for a few adult beverages. Sunday, Campus Bar and Grill for $1 burgers.

Also, I've been playing pool, usually on Fridays at Rack-n-Roll or whatever bar we end up at. I've forgotten how much I enjoy it. Pool is beginning to have a positive conotation again. I can play like shit and they still enjoy my company, tell me I'm having an off-night, and (company dependent) give me a kiss.

I need to retip the good cue. The shitty one is pissing me off.

A broom is drearily sweeping up the broken pieces of yesterday's life

2006-12-04T11:27:00.000-06:00

Went to Boonville yesterday to see an adaptation of Scrooge. It involved random Missouri-isms thrown in and it was a staged reading, complete with paper scripts. At least it was free and the cd of Christmas music they played wasn't bad.

We thought it started at 3:00, but it actually began at 4:30. In the meantime we had dinner at the casino. All of the roads in town were still pocked with icy potholes, but the casino was like a beacon- the parking lot was immaculate. I guess its all about priorities.

We shopped at Kohl's for about an hour, where I found Dad's Christmas present.

Then, we hit the Blue Note for Dr. Dog and The Black Keys. It was a good show, even sans smoking.

Now, back to the daily grind of work and getting necessary shit done. The week after the snow days is always a drag.

He checked into his room only to find Gideon's bible

2006-12-03T02:37:00.000-06:00

Snow! It involved going on safari of sorts with the 4WD to get beer and frozen pizza and a full day of eating, sleeping and movies. I kind of needed some downtime. I like when nature forces it upon me.

Today was interesting at best. Work was actually kind of busy. I met Sara, her crew, Will and Alex at Eastside for a few brews. Also much needed.

Tomorrow involves a trip to Boonville and some evening activities. I like having plans. It gives me something to look forward to.

Put another dime in the jukebox, baby

2006-11-29T23:22:00.000-06:00

Please please me

2006-11-26T23:37:00.000-06:00

I survived Thanksgiving! Yay! The stress if over, and I had a pretty good time. :)

Job interview bullshit is still going on. At least it hasn't ended. I suppose that's a good sign.

I had a great weekend, involving a birthday barhopping night for Will's roommate and a gluttonous Sunday. I did nothing productive, except help Brian hang a sheet of drywall. Hurty arms. Oh, and I ate chocolate. That was productive.

I heart mohawks.

....and you can find some interesting things on the internet if you just know where to look (or just stumble on them).

Thanks to my sisters for the drunk dial at 3:00 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving. If you want video, check out my comments on myspace. I laughed.

Damn this traffic jam/ it hurts my engine to go so slow

2006-11-15T16:17:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

For awhile, maybe longer if I do

2006-11-15T15:51:00.000-06:00

Interview in KC went well. I turned in a writing assignment to them on Monday. Hopefully, it met their expectations. If I get this job, I will have executed the greatest scam of my life. I am wholly unqualified. However, I think they liked me. The IL job is still up in the air.

I will be spending Gobble Feast in Springfield, MO. I only have two days off, and its not enough time to make the rounds at home. Sorry for my absents. Stuffing will proceed as usual.

Sara and I volunteered for a youth horse show at the county fairgrounds. It was cold, but fun. It involved a mistake in starting time, so we had breakfast at Lucas in backbone at 7:15am. Its the first time I've seen the sun come up in months. I rather enjoyed it. It involved a free t-shirt and we bought matching "I love Palominos" bracelets. The Quarter horse people didn't have any. I was then timidly asked later that evening, "What's a Palamino?" This resulted in further discussion if Palamino is a breed or coloring. I think it depends on who you ask.

Officially, I am now called Sugarbeet.

...and which one of you wierdos is checking this blog at 6:00 a.m.? Midnight, 2:00 a.m. I can understand. Get a life :)

Hate me today

2006-11-07T21:36:00.000-06:00

Today, I heard a story in passing that made me feel really shitty. I hate shit like that.

The interview in KC is tomorrow and I'm really nervous. I have an interview with a writer, managing editor and the publisher. It seems they are cramming everyone into one day. I guess that's a good sign. Maybe it will mean fewer follow-ups. I hate follow-ups.

Work and some good downtime highlighted my day. The first not necessarily a good highlight, but a big part of it. The second was fantastic.

I've been trying to figure out what my plans are for Thanksgiving. If I only have one day off, I might be headed south. I'll fill you all in when plans are finalized.

And all the people that come and go stop and say hello

2006-11-01T19:35:00.000-06:00

Happy November! This time of year is always strange for me, for its a whirlwind of pumpkins, then turkeys, then candy canes. Strange, but I love it.

Sara and I walked her dogs yesterday and then today. We toured downtown and hit campus. I had Shatzi, almost 100lbs. I'm not sure who was walking whom. Nonetheless, it was fun.

Last night included pumpkin beer at Flatbranch and a terribly awesome wierwolf movie.

Today I had the Allstar at Waffle House, am doing laundry at Sara's and hanging out at Brian's (they live next door). Now its pizza time!

I haven't heard anything from the people in IL. However, I have an interview next Wednesday near Kansas City. Its an editing/ writing position for an ag and a food mag. It would be kind of fun to move to a metro area I have never really been. Cross thy fingies!

The bad thing in life: I smoke too many cigs. Yes, mom. I know they'll kill me.

Its a hop to the left and a step to the right

2006-10-31T00:52:00.000-06:00

Oh, I've been a bad blogger this week.

Highlights of my weekend:
- Good party location. Proximity is everything.
- Watching the Dread Pirate Roberts break up green.
- People giggling when I smiled with my blacked-out tooth.
- Baking apple pie and smoking out my whole apartment. (They were still good)
- Excellent baking helper.
- Packed Buffalo Wild Wings.
- Seeing Brian doped up and grinning in a hospital gown. He threatened to moon me, and I reminded him he already has several times.
- Cockiness leads me to another job interview.
- Playing fetch with Dammit.
- Getting over feeling guilty.
- Lack of sleep and, strangly, lack of crankiness.
- Smiling like a goon.

Hope everyone has a great Halloween! I love my bat pajamas.

Oh my life is changing everyday, in every possible way.

2006-10-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

Rockstar weekend- tired and sore.

~smile~

Now all the jacks are in their boxes

2006-10-19T22:57:00.000-05:00

I received my "One Year" pin at the OG today. Boy, time flies when you are having fun . Soon I will get my bonus check.

What has happened in a year? Quite a lot, to say the least. What have I learned? Even more.

I have a follow-up call with the job in IL, and I have a phone interview for a job near Kansas City. One month of job searching is paying off. Yet shall I be a productive member of society! More importantly, a happy one.

Breathe some air that tastes like freedom

2006-10-18T18:57:00.000-05:00

Interview happened today. I drove for six hours. I am beat. Maybe I will sleep tonight, or I won't just like the last two nights. At least now I can relax and stop stressing about it.

I'm in a good mood and hopeful. What a switch. I have great friends and family. I appreciate everyone's support and good thoughts. I heart you all.