Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch and one on the track

This week I've really missed Missouri.

I hate the traffic here. Last night stop lights were out at two major intersections. I'm not talking flashing- I mean OUT. Its already a clusterfuck and everyone wants to get home. I really I get this job where I can work at home. Even a job downtown so I can ride the train. I just don't want to drive anymore.

I miss the familiarity. I didn't realize how comforting it is know where shit is and know the people once you get there. It was nice to call someone and say, "Meet me at Eastside in 10 minutes for a drink."

...and I miss my people.

On the flipside, living here is cool. There's so much to do and learn and see. Maybe I'm too apathetic and I want it all right away without paying the dues. I just don't like this loner lifestyle. I'm not a loner at heart.

I am excited for this evening. Melanie is having a dinner party at her house in Wrigleyville, so I shall venture south. It'll be nice to see some friendly faces and meet new people.

Also, I got a new phone yesterday. Its pink and pretty and I maybe fondling it too much. The most important thing- It WORKS! So call me now and we shall talk for hours.

I've decided. Neil Young makes me really happy. I think I am a fifty-year-old trapped in this body.

Half a mile from the county fair and the rain keep pouring down

Me and billy standin there
With a silver half a crown
Hands are full of a fishin rod
And the tackle on our backs
We just stood there gettin wet
With our backs against the fence

I've been posting on myspace, but I realize the entire fam is not on myspace. Therefore, duplicate postings shall appear here. If you are on myspace, don't waste your time.

Here's the scoop- If you called me in the last week or so and I have yet to call you back, please be patient. I am having phone issues and need a new one. It should be taken care of this week sometime. Then we'll talk til the cows come home.

In the past week: huge storms went through, but missed our house and cars. Other cars had huge tree limbs on top of them and the trees in Lincoln Park (a couple miles south) were broken off at the ground. Along with the torrentual downpour came flooding and nasty, swampy gutters. However, we are fine and our shit is fine.

We opened the pasture gate and let the matching bikes ramble along the lakefront bike trail. It was beautiful and cool along the beach. Like I said, we only had to dodge some fallen trees.

Friday, Will scouted an Irish pub with live music and no cover on the fringes of downtown. There was authentic Irish music mixed in with old rock and roll. The cool thing is, we got drunk and rode the train home. The not-so-cool thing: there is construction on our line and we had a wait longer than usual. Bah humbug. Its really only a problem when your bladder is an eigth of a normal persons. And you drank a lot of Guinness.

Yesterday, I ran into someone from college who knows Shannon. She now lives in the city, not far from us. Apparently, I am a magnet for this sort of thing.

Will got a job. Yay! I am waiting to hear back from the interview I had last week. I would be working from home, which means no COMMUTE!

Mom called me today to say Rachel is settling in at college. Apparently, a scheduled freshmen outting consisted of climbing Mt. Washington in New Hampshire. Mizzou, you robbed me.

Hope everyone is well. i have to scoot off to work. I'll be in touch soon, promise.

You better leave my kitten all alone

Its been a minute.

The trip home was fun, but not relaxing. It was a mess of "lets go here, we have to eat there, you must me this person." My traveling buddy was patient and enjoyed himself, or so he says. I had my birthday horseshoe and Guinness.

I hurt my leg at roller derby about two weeks ago. Finally, the swelling subsided and its beginning to feel like normal again. Last night I skated with no negative side affects.

Spring is presenting itself as my sanity saver. The sun is out, the temp is up and the social calendar is filling. It appears April and May are full of visits, weddings and other things to look forward to. Hooray for spring!

Today: two phone interviews. Its time, folks. I think I need to blow this Popsicle stand.

I have seen a hundred white doves flying

Forgiving is difficult.

On occasion, I've run very far, been a little hungry and gotten some narly tangles in my hair. Life is full of mountains to climb, but the steepest thus far is forgiving.

Its more complicated when blame and unhappiness are coupled with it. I think those are the foothills. I'm trying to make my own happiness, so no one else is responsible. Before, I relied on one person; now, I'm learning to rely on myself. Blame is harder, but in the future, there will be no one to blame.

This is the hardest task of my adult life so far. We'll see how I do. I think if I tackle it, I could be one hell of a person.

In other news, I fell at practice last night. Strike that. Two people clobbered me at practice and I am hurting. Padded shorts are necessary. We are improving quickly, and it makes me happy and fulfilled.

I got brand new roller skates/ you've got a brand new key

Add another tally to the "oops, probably should've gotten stitches" list. A glass bit me while I was attempting to wash him...after I dug my car out from the storm last night to go to work and make $4 in tips. That's right. $4.

The one thing I'm looking forward to is getting my new skates tomorrow. Delish.

Add some Fugitive wheels and I'll be burning past you!

You broke my will/ what a thrill

I played in the snow Saturday night with Elliott and Sam and Adam. There is something very theraputic about getting white-washed. No really. I left a little drunk, very tired, wet and cold (but I didn't care). Sometimes you gotta wash off and start new.

Roller derby meeting and them maybe some Eastside guitar hero.

Peace.

Once I was strong but I lost the fight/ you won't find a better loser.

This weather...Jesus. I almost busted my ass carrying my laundry out of my apartment. Thankfully, I have jungle cat reflexes (and achy muscles from catching myself mid-stumble). I really do appreciate my four wheel drive, but I lamented as a snow-covered camaro passed me today. It was a totally sissy, girl car, but I loved it. Next, similar car- much bigger engine.

Last night, Damage threw a party to celebrate Sara's annulment. She made a great dinner, complete with champagne and Better than Sex cake. We decided the cake was excellent, but the title was relative. At different times in one's life it might apply. I brought a little Jack in my flask.

Afterward, we went to Pepper's. I had never been and it has a certain ambiguous reputation. Some people think its a gay bar. Some think its a rundown night club, etc. When we arrived there were three other people in the place. They showed us how to run the karaoke machine and we went to town. Sara made me sing Faith Hill. Adriene thrashed to Green Day. Damage sang (appropriately) Goodbye Earl. It was amazing. We giggled drunkenly. I think we all needed to blow off some steam. I spun the truck all across the icy parking lot to make the girls laugh. I woke with a headache. It was a good night.

To change the subject...have you ever want to burn everything you own because it all has some sentimental value? Sometimes it just seems it would be easier to trash it all and start over. I hate that I wore my ugly sweater today and even it reminds me of shit. How do you shuck what used to bring happiness and now brings frustration or disappointment?

When you end a relationship, one thing that goes through your head is, " I'll never have to hear___ again." The terrible part is even though the person is gone, my memory is too good. It lurks, makes me question myself, makes me less receptive to good things. Yes, there were good things, too, but they seem shadowed compared to the bad. Its a weighing of the evils.

For a long time, he had me convinced. I'm trying to climb out of that dark cell into the sunlight. I just want to believe I deserve to be happy. My head says yes, but my heart isn't sure. Its bruised and I need it to believe before any real healing can happen.

It sounds trite, but helping start this roller derby thing has been really good. It is giving me an outlet. I get some exercise, meet new people and my brain is turned on again. I'm organizing, brainstorming and being a driving force in a new organization that excites many people. I'm getting a peek at my old self again. The lazy haze is peeling back. I'm starting to remember what I used to be like seven, eight years ago. I was optimistic. I didn't think it would happen again. Maybe I was wrong.

Birthday news...if all goes well, I think Will and I will be home for my birthday (March 16-18). This means St. Pat's parade in Springfield, etc. Let me know if you want to get together.