Once I was strong but I lost the fight/ you won't find a better loser.

This weather...Jesus. I almost busted my ass carrying my laundry out of my apartment. Thankfully, I have jungle cat reflexes (and achy muscles from catching myself mid-stumble). I really do appreciate my four wheel drive, but I lamented as a snow-covered camaro passed me today. It was a totally sissy, girl car, but I loved it. Next, similar car- much bigger engine.

Last night, Damage threw a party to celebrate Sara's annulment. She made a great dinner, complete with champagne and Better than Sex cake. We decided the cake was excellent, but the title was relative. At different times in one's life it might apply. I brought a little Jack in my flask.

Afterward, we went to Pepper's. I had never been and it has a certain ambiguous reputation. Some people think its a gay bar. Some think its a rundown night club, etc. When we arrived there were three other people in the place. They showed us how to run the karaoke machine and we went to town. Sara made me sing Faith Hill. Adriene thrashed to Green Day. Damage sang (appropriately) Goodbye Earl. It was amazing. We giggled drunkenly. I think we all needed to blow off some steam. I spun the truck all across the icy parking lot to make the girls laugh. I woke with a headache. It was a good night.

To change the subject...have you ever want to burn everything you own because it all has some sentimental value? Sometimes it just seems it would be easier to trash it all and start over. I hate that I wore my ugly sweater today and even it reminds me of shit. How do you shuck what used to bring happiness and now brings frustration or disappointment?

When you end a relationship, one thing that goes through your head is, " I'll never have to hear___ again." The terrible part is even though the person is gone, my memory is too good. It lurks, makes me question myself, makes me less receptive to good things. Yes, there were good things, too, but they seem shadowed compared to the bad. Its a weighing of the evils.

For a long time, he had me convinced. I'm trying to climb out of that dark cell into the sunlight. I just want to believe I deserve to be happy. My head says yes, but my heart isn't sure. Its bruised and I need it to believe before any real healing can happen.

It sounds trite, but helping start this roller derby thing has been really good. It is giving me an outlet. I get some exercise, meet new people and my brain is turned on again. I'm organizing, brainstorming and being a driving force in a new organization that excites many people. I'm getting a peek at my old self again. The lazy haze is peeling back. I'm starting to remember what I used to be like seven, eight years ago. I was optimistic. I didn't think it would happen again. Maybe I was wrong.

Birthday news...if all goes well, I think Will and I will be home for my birthday (March 16-18). This means St. Pat's parade in Springfield, etc. Let me know if you want to get together.