You broke my will/ what a thrill

I played in the snow Saturday night with Elliott and Sam and Adam. There is something very theraputic about getting white-washed. No really. I left a little drunk, very tired, wet and cold (but I didn't care). Sometimes you gotta wash off and start new.

Roller derby meeting and them maybe some Eastside guitar hero.

Peace.

Once I was strong but I lost the fight/ you won't find a better loser.

This weather...Jesus. I almost busted my ass carrying my laundry out of my apartment. Thankfully, I have jungle cat reflexes (and achy muscles from catching myself mid-stumble). I really do appreciate my four wheel drive, but I lamented as a snow-covered camaro passed me today. It was a totally sissy, girl car, but I loved it. Next, similar car- much bigger engine.

Last night, Damage threw a party to celebrate Sara's annulment. She made a great dinner, complete with champagne and Better than Sex cake. We decided the cake was excellent, but the title was relative. At different times in one's life it might apply. I brought a little Jack in my flask.

Afterward, we went to Pepper's. I had never been and it has a certain ambiguous reputation. Some people think its a gay bar. Some think its a rundown night club, etc. When we arrived there were three other people in the place. They showed us how to run the karaoke machine and we went to town. Sara made me sing Faith Hill. Adriene thrashed to Green Day. Damage sang (appropriately) Goodbye Earl. It was amazing. We giggled drunkenly. I think we all needed to blow off some steam. I spun the truck all across the icy parking lot to make the girls laugh. I woke with a headache. It was a good night.

To change the subject...have you ever want to burn everything you own because it all has some sentimental value? Sometimes it just seems it would be easier to trash it all and start over. I hate that I wore my ugly sweater today and even it reminds me of shit. How do you shuck what used to bring happiness and now brings frustration or disappointment?

When you end a relationship, one thing that goes through your head is, " I'll never have to hear___ again." The terrible part is even though the person is gone, my memory is too good. It lurks, makes me question myself, makes me less receptive to good things. Yes, there were good things, too, but they seem shadowed compared to the bad. Its a weighing of the evils.

For a long time, he had me convinced. I'm trying to climb out of that dark cell into the sunlight. I just want to believe I deserve to be happy. My head says yes, but my heart isn't sure. Its bruised and I need it to believe before any real healing can happen.

It sounds trite, but helping start this roller derby thing has been really good. It is giving me an outlet. I get some exercise, meet new people and my brain is turned on again. I'm organizing, brainstorming and being a driving force in a new organization that excites many people. I'm getting a peek at my old self again. The lazy haze is peeling back. I'm starting to remember what I used to be like seven, eight years ago. I was optimistic. I didn't think it would happen again. Maybe I was wrong.

Birthday news...if all goes well, I think Will and I will be home for my birthday (March 16-18). This means St. Pat's parade in Springfield, etc. Let me know if you want to get together.

This hit home...

Well she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy…you can't fence that in

Stupid boy…it's like holdin' back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice

And that's what happens when the only voice

She hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy

Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it, push it around

I guess to build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

You always had to be right

And now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive

Oh I'm the same old, same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run

But when she did, she was long gone, long gone

Its interesting...I find myself trying to explain why I react the way I do. I was always waiting for the bottom to fall out, the explosion to happen. I'm slowly learning that everyone is not as volatile, and its not necessary to explain my every neurosis. It has simply compounded into who I am, and sometimes a little mystery as to the "why" is half the charm.

In other news, roller derby is progressing swimmingly. Twenty-four girls involved already. In the next couple months a fundraiser will be announced. I'll keep you all posted. Check it out on myspace. The link is on my friends list. My handle has also been changed to my roller derby name as it stands.

Its sleeting in Mid-Mo. What happened to spring in January?

Time is on my side.

Last night I went skating- roller, that is. It appears I am one of the first members of Columbia's women's roller derby team. What's better than getting some exercise and knocking other chicks down while wearing a skirt? Sara's into it and so is our other friend, Lindsey. It should be a good time. Gonna start skating two or three times a week. Dad needs to ship me my skates :)

This morning I got up at 7:30, went home, ran for an hour, went to work and now I'm officially sore. Good sore. Kicked my ass sore.

Tonight is up in the air. Maybe making dinner. I really want cornbread. Don't ask me why.

Thanks, mom.

I don't care if I got no money, I don't care if I got a dime.
All I want to do is to dance with you honey,
please tell me that you have the time.

Cause I gotta get back on my feet again, gotta get back on the street again.

I don't care if I got no fame, all I want to do is to hold your hand.
Don't care if nobody knows my name cause I just want to try the best I can.

Gotta get back on my feet again, gotta get back on the street again.

Well, I don't know just what the world is coming to.
And I don't know just what is going on, and momma do you?

Well, all I really know is I gotta get back on my feet again.

Break my rusty cage and run.

Christmas was great. I got to see the family and received fun gifts. I always need a new sparkly purse and new jewelry. I've also entered the land of the living with a hand-me-down tv. Thanks, Dad. My favorite gift was the down comforter mom gave me.

New Years was uneventful. I made Italian beef, drank a bottle of strawberry champagne and we stayed in. All-in-all, it was a relaxing night.

I think this year's gonna be a good one, tater. Afterall, you can only go up after you've been down.

I'm done with the low class bullshit and the spitefulness. I should be bigger than that and its dragging me down- taking energy from the things that really deserve my time. I just want to be rid of it. We make mistakes and life goes on. Can't we at least agree on that?